Generational groups love talking about other generational groups – a constant Venn diagram of the struggles we share and those that differentiate a Boomer from a Gen Z’er. As a Zygote Millennial, which is what I call a 26-year-old, I don’t foresee owning a home any time soon, nor do I understand how to take advantage of social media to its full capability.
I am, however, the perfect age to have a Dazed article written about them: “Everyone needs to grow up,” an article about how we in our twenties and thirties are too obsessed with the cutesy aesthetic, or with taking our Hogwarts House a little too seriously, so much that we might be dragging ourselves down into a fascist pit.
And I get it. Infantilization does feel like it’s everywhere, and everyone seems to be self-diagnosing with full confidence (when did ADHD become conflated with lacking object permanence?). But it also might be okay to be older and still think of yourself as a silly goose. Or maybe that’s just the right wing’s subtle chokehold on me?
Let me be very clear: I am very far from caring about wizards or being a “Disney Adult” (an exception for Ratatouille). I own only one stuffed animal, Mr. Waddles, whom I’ve had since second grade, out of spite; my grandmother told me I’d forget about him in a day.
But I’m also very far from having what friends and family call “a career,” one of the classical markers of what we here in America associate with Being A Grownup. Which got me thinking (something some of us adult toddlers are capable of doing): how do I define adulthood? And then I got to thinking even harder – do others also need help in defining adulthood?
If you find yourself here in the crux of being a fully grown baby, fear not. Follow along with my list of definable qualities that confirm my “adultdom,” in the hopes that it confirms yours as well.
- Invent your own word and use it unapologetically.
- Rewatch Gilmore Girls for the [redacted] time but actually read the books mentioned occasionally, too. When you’re holding a copy of Anna Karenina on the train, no one is going to doubt for a second that you have a 401K and aren’t about to embark on a month-long journey to Europe in order to avoid entering the professional workforce.
- Eat a Pop-Tart after your French omelet (that you prepared yourself!). Every meal should have an option for dessert and every dessert should have a Pop-Tart option.
- Don’t argue with your landlord when he says he’s raising your rent via text. Instead, keep paying the same amount, and then at the end of the lease, reply to the text with “sorry, just now seeing this!”
- Get a dog
- Take three beginner tap dance classes. When you go to parties and people ask you what you do, tell them you’re a dancer.
- Tell everyone you’re thinking about “going back to grad school,” as much as possible. When people ask what you plan on studying, just say “nothing,” laugh really hard while smacking the back of your conversation partner, then take a long swig of a Miller Lite. Later, look up MFA creative writing programs in the Midwest.
- Get a cat
- Buy groceries without looking at any of the prices. Once you get to the checkout, take out your cell phone and pretend you’re calling really famous people, like Idina Menzel or Idina Menzel as Elphaba. The cashier will be so impressed that you know people of certain fame that they’ll let you have your groceries for free. If they don’t, well, honey, I guess you’re not ready to be a big kid, now.
- Have a kid
There are so many amazing and terrifying ways to define what it means to be a full-fledged adult, so don’t get too intimidated by this list. And if all else fails, work in insurance. It’s what Richard Gilmore would do.
Kindergarten 