Photo by Carolin Weiss
长沙 2019
so touch deprived that I am thinking about cold nights that should have gotten snow. and crowded alleyways, old buildings, a hand on my waist creep back into my thoughts. happiness must have looked like that. and I quite remember feeling so lost that my heart ached until the break of night. dark blue skies doused in black led me through and I thought, this is where I’ll find peace. calm. that’s what it was. a calm place for my soul to rest and accept its state of isolation.
winter solitude
and I liked winter more because there were less people to give me the illusion that I could meet someone who truly likes me. it was a stagnant, a standstill in time, and I was finally able to go outside and feel that I’m alive, fingers so cold they grasped onto anything for warmth and my heart so bitter and lost I could barely stand it. I miss that winter so much for time ruins everything, how dare the world continue spinning as I freeze to the ground, my feet unable to move, my eyes losing focus as I try to take in everything around me. summer months spent doing nothing and autumn fell into winter as a form of escapism. I’ve lived another year but it seems nothing has changed, I ruin my life as my own hands strangle the last pieces of hope I have had, sitting on the same bench as my past self but instead of emptiness and peace there are people enjoying their youth and my body tenses in its hateful state because all I ever wanted was to love. I wish I could turn back time and relive the past 15 months once more because I missed most of it as my heart longed and my mind screamed and my eyes stuck to the sky because at least that never goes away. I miss the stars in the north, my breath hitches as I look back with longing and regret.
transparent
the blaring screen of my phone is so loud that my thoughts blur together like nothingness. the way the blue light illuminates my pillow, turned upside down to cast out all of my responsibilities but not forgotten to be turned off because in some way it is a reminder that I am still alive. I find myself in others only to realize that the world is slowly wiping out my existence. how I wish to be of some importance to anyone. it’s not that I need to be someone’s first, I’ve given up on that a long time ago, but my lonely soul is slowly melting into the ground, I can’t feel my feet when I’m outside, there is only my head, screaming at me to live. but it’s almost like I’ve forgotten how to. the more time I spend alone, the more I seem to forget what the real world looks like. I feel so dizzy and overwhelmed and I try to take everything in, to not miss a single thing only to realize later that my sight has been too blurry, my mind too concentrated to see everything and everyone, that I’ve missed out once again. should I grow used to this? my world is getting smaller and smaller, and I know, I know I’ll end up alone. I’ll end up alone if my sight gets blurrier and if I miss out again and I hate how time doesn’t stop and I wish it would. my past is too blurry and my future nonexistent so how do I start to live?
The single tic tac on the floor of the train
Black flickering dots blur before my eyes
As I try to think of all I haven’t done
My vision shifts to you that lies
Yet still, I want to run
Kindergarten 