Friends to Lovers… and Back to Friends?

_{Photo by Cecilia Kegler}

By Cecilia Kegler

When things ended,
You said you still wanted to be friends.
People always say that when they end things,
But this felt different, I think you meant it.
We were friends for a while before we dated,
And we didn’t date for very long,
So maybe it is possible.

But my mind can’t help but wonder,
How to be friends after knowing what I know now.
What it’s like to kiss you, whether it’s a gentle kiss hello or a kiss so deep that I feel it in my entire body.
What it’s like to wake up next to you in the morning, stroking your cheek lightly while watching you sleep because I was always awake before you.
What it’s like to hold hands while walking down the street, both worrying our hands will get clammy in the summer heat, but not letting go anyway.
What it’s like to be watched by you as you pretend not to, turning your head away and grinning when I turn to look at you.
What it’s like to be held so tightly by you that it’s hard to breathe, intertwining our legs trying to get as close to each other as possible, syncing our breathing. What it’s like to be introduced to your friends as your girlfriend, getting butterflies just hearing you say it aloud.
What it’s like to be a person you tell secrets to, knowing how much you must trust me to open up.
What it’s like to be able to call you mine after not wanting anyone else for so long.

But I also know what it’s like to be someone that you keep things from. What it’s like to be let down by you.
What it’s like to see you withdraw.
What it’s like to watch you self-sabotage.

I don’t see anything the same way anymore, it all makes me think of you. Your side of the bed feels different, I had to wash your pillow so I’d stop falling asleep with my face buried in it.
All of the music you shared with me just makes me sad now, even the happiest songs, because it was how you showed me how you felt about me.
Being at my favorite restaurant just floods my brain with images of our last meal together, it was our one month and we shared our old embarrassing iPhone notes. I can no longer wear the tee shirt my mom gave me that I loved, it’s now just the shirt you slept and traveled in while we were apart for the first two weeks. I can’t wear my long white sheer summer dress anymore either, because it was one you loved so much that we didn’t leave the house that day.
I can’t look at you without hurting, at least not yet.

So how do we go back from that? Can we?
Oh how I hope that we can…