Love shouldn’t hurt

Photo by Alyssa Duarte

By Alyssa Duarte

**CONTENT WARNING: Domestic Abuse/Sexual Assault

Resources can be found at thehotline.org and rainn.org**

I honestly feel so much pain right now mentally & physically I can’t really put it into words. 

i haven’t been able to hold down any food without gagging or throwing up, you choked me so badly, my heart is in so so much pain. 

when I was in the hospital the nurse said to me, “no one who loves you would do this to you.” 

and it’s all I’ve been able to think about.

the sleepless nights, the misunderstandings. 

the yelling and aggression keeps playing through my head and it hurts to see that you can be happy and continue your life while leaving me with this trauma and confusion. 

you can move on, you can start over, 

i have never felt more stuck or confused with myself and my own body, it was so hard to even take a shower.

the nurse said if you held me for 30 more seconds, you would’ve killed me. 

and those words and this experience keeps playing through my head and I feel nothing but numbness and pain. 

you say I hurt you, 

but there’s no way you feel how I do right now. 

i never hurt you, I gave you my life, my world, I even left my family, all for you. 

you told me my own experiences weren’t valid,

You told me I came from a horrible family

you degraded me

the pregnancy

the abortion

the fear you instilled into my heart.

the way you forced me to take birth control but refused to wear a condom.

the way you took it off during sex when I asked you to wear it. 

you hated when I cried

you refused to see me again because you’re a coward, you refused to say goodbye, you’re ashamed of yourself.

I feel sorry for you,

for your absent father

your mother who chooses men with money over her children

the way I was more of a mother to you,

i became a wife at the age 18

when I picked up my things, 

your sister charged at me and punched me in the face in front of the police, 

and it only showed how aggressive and narcissistic your family really is. 

when we finally retrieved my things from your home, and we walked out the door, my cousin said to your mother, 

“You should be ashamed of yourself as a woman.” 

and for once in my life

i felt so proud of who I was

and the family I’ve come from. 

you can degrade me, and tell people I was a horrible partner to you. 

but we both know the truth. 

i loved you to no end. 

and my tears have become a sea.

– I just wanted someone to love me.

alyssa, age 19 

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