Photo by Katie Richards
feelings are hard. it’s probably something we’ve said for centuries, because it’s true. they show up when you least expect them to, when you don’t want them to. when they hit, it’s like you’re a completely different person. you’ll keep it secret from some of your friends, too, because you don’t really know what this feeling is yet. instead, you take the same path you do every time they show up. the fantasizing, the way you shake your head “no” back and forth to pull yourself out of it before you get too far in your head. the playlists. oh god, the playlists. you think to yourself, i can put together a set of songs like this one. maybe make a second, drown yourself in your playlists. pull yourself more into the feeling you’re starting to recognize while actively saying you won’t. listen to something else. don’t think about it. repeat the cycle. fantasize – what would the kiss taste like – blush and shake your head. play those songs – “i just gotta know what you and i would feel like” – you’ve listened too much. pull yourself out.
but you can’t now.
so you try to work around them instead of getting rid of them. feelings are hard. eat them, write about them, sing about them. talk to the cause of your feelings but stop trying to talk in ways they’ll think you’re more appealing. you know it’s not going to happen. it didn’t the first time, so why would it now? you might think it’s steering the way you want, but it’s only for a second; in reality, it isn’t at all. you might be making yourself obvious now, and that’s where you’ll draw the line for the emotions stirring in you right now.
keep them quiet don’t tell you know what’ll happen if you tell don’t risk it you know it’s just you you’re old enough to keep yourself from making this mistake again don’t make it obvious keep your mouth shut
and now you marinate in your impatience. you know nothing will change, so why think about it? but what else can you do? even if you’re going to try to give up your daydreams and lyric-titled playlists, it takes time. you know yourself pretty well. this is going to be a while. feelings have always been hard for you to get through; they’re always swirling around in you longer than they should, longer than you want them to.
swirl, float, fall, crash. it’s okay that you have feelings. we all do.
just don’t let them boil over.
and pray they don’t run so deep it turns into love.