Lost & Found

Photo by Kleigh Balugo

By Vinh Tran

January 3, 2021

I was introduced to a new friend the other day, the way I was described struck a chord, and it sat in my head for a couple of days. “This is Vinh, he’s kind of hard to describe, but he’s always wearing or doing some weird shit.” This came from someone who I’ve known since my freshman year of high school, someone who has seen me go through multiple phases in my life. From wearing what I saw on my Instagram explore page to changing my entire personality based on what people found appealing, I lost my sense of self in trying to fit in with the world. Every year I would reflect on how I could change myself and improve, but it’s always been the same and never for the right reasons.

“How can I make other people like me?”

Each new year’s tradition was the same and it always revolved around the same formulaic changes. How can I make myself more approachable, maybe if I change how I dress, what music I listen to, or any number of alterations to my personality. This year, like for most people, ended up being the most introspective, and spending time with myself helped me come up with the realization that I do not know who I am. As a result, people can’t describe me. I’ve always been one to follow and never lead, slowly molding a personality and appearance based on what people desired. This year’s resolution was different.

“How can I be more honest with myself?”

Even though the most I’ve done to find myself is purging my closet of anything that I bought to impress others, I feel like this might be the hardest resolution to follow through with. The feeling of being an individual who’s an amalgamation of a deep desire to be accepted is so engrained within me. Hopefully, I can find myself and start doing things for my own sake. My new year’s resolution can be interpreted as more selfish than years past, but I guess I never really took time for myself. 

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